Mad, sad, glad, and scared

I once dated a man who carried list of emotions in his pocket. I wore mine on my sleeve, and my list was fractionally short, so our relationship didn’t last long.

For me, all feelings could be unpacked and sorted into one of four piles: mad, sad, glad, and scared.

At the time, my son was eight, and I was helping him process losing his father to a bachelor pad down the street. Glad was a tough one to express.

Now, that boy is 20 and he knows how to say how he feels. He knows that even during Covid—especially during Covid—he needs to feel joy. He gives love and encouragement freely. He carries no list in his pocket.

Covid has spared most of my friends, but a few others are stricken with disease. Yet, even now, my feelings boil down to four.

I’m mad that 1 in 5 women experience Alzheimer’s while only 1 in 11 men do—and that one of those women is like family to me. I’m pissed that dying-with-dignity laws (executed mostly by men) exclude people with any form of dementia. And that doing the humane thing for a friend might make me an accessory to murder.

I’m sad to have lost a dear friend this week to cancer. Sad to have waited in Denver for my second vaccine, rather than flying to New York for a last, in-person goodbye. I’m Heartbroken to be wearing her sweater and patting her dog as I write.

I’m glad to have delivered a puzzle and bath salts to a friend who is going through chemo, and to know that her cancer is curable. Even though I can’t cheer her up, I’m glad to have memories—to have my memory—though some days I forget small things and worry that something bigger is afoot.

And yes, I’m scared. Scared that the inevitable decline will come. Not just for people who already have their diagnoses, but also for you and for me. That age is mounting and memory will fail. That out-of-control cells will reproduce with abandon. That we’ll find ourselves in the wrong place and the wrong time when shots are fired.

The light is nigh at the end of the Covid tunnel. But risk will never abate. All of our days are numbered.

So let’s live every day as though it’s our first. Let’s love as though we’ve never been left.

We need all four piles of emotion, but just for today, let’s forget mad, sad and scared.

Just for one day: let’s try to just be glad.