If (or why) the Buddha dated
Over the past two months, I’ve listened twice to the audio version of the 1999 classic If the Buddha Dated: A Handbook for Finding Love on the Spiritual Path. I’ve also gone on 11 dates with 8 different men. And been ghosted three times by people I’ve spoken to or met in person.
Every day I contemplate this post, the numbers go up.
Which made me curious about two things. First: Would the Buddha be down with what I’m doing? And second: Why am I doing it?
That’s why I went back and listened to the book the second time.
The author, Charlotte Kasl, is a spiritual practitioner and therapist. She applies Zen, Sufi and Quaker ideas to modern romance. I liked her promise that while seeking love with curiosity and a light heart, we might experience greater awakening ourselves.
May I add? Many of these ideas, about honesty and having an open heart, also are found in the Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love. But more on that another time!
For now, here are four Buddha-inspired somewhat-noble truths about dating. Perhaps they can help you too.
Be fully present but unattached to outcome. It’s takes practice to participate whole-heartedly in a phone call or meeting without projecting what might come next. But it does make everything easier.
Make no assumptions. People will surprise you! The formerly Orthodox Jew is taking psilocybin therapy. Plagued by a mystery neurological disorder, the former professional cyclist collects kitschy toasters. The long-trail hiker who lives in his car, recalls raising his kids in a treehouse. Even I didn’t see that one coming.
Be unafraid. Seeing so much vulnerability in the world—so many single, aging humans, hacking away at destiny and desire—I’m inspired to dig deep for an honest answer when anyone asks me a personal question. Maybe that’s reason enough to keep dating.
Suffering is part of the human condition. Yes, going on so many dates seems like a rare kind of torture. But it also creates compassion. For myself, and for the other guy. I still see myself in my 10-year-old photos. Don’t you? Through right action, right speech and right effort, can we reduce suffering? Even when dating? I think so!
As the legend goes, Buddha left a wife and son behind when he fled the family palace. Depending on what you read, he was either married three times, or he had one wife who went by three different names. Before attaining enlightenment, he sat beneath the Bodhi tree. For 40 days. Or seven days. Or maybe just one day.
Clearly, the numbers don’t matter. What matters is he found his way.
And so can we.
